Wednesday, 11 December 2013

And then I Pee Stalked the Dog...

Christmas is either a Rip-off
or Elves might be really Scary

Two words: hearing issues. This is the cause of much entertainment and distress in our house lately. Although I am mega-glad it's no longer just me with the issues (at least those issues).
We're seated at dinner when Reece asks me "What's a conman?"
"It's a crook," I answer.
"It's a Santa," Kaelan tells him at the SAME TIME.
Now I'm laughing my ass off and imagining somebody getting less in his stocking for that comment.
"She said a conman was an Orc," Reece corrects his brother.
"Did he just say Santa was an Orc?" I ask my Mom, completely baffled - yet wildly amused (and totally screwed for presents by laughing at this).
Oh my God, we all need to clean our ears.

True Love

My oldest son has been sick with croup so I've been driving Reece to school rather than have him walk all by his lonely self. Reece is just about ready when we decide on this.
"I guess I have to go put on pants then," I tell him.
"Yeah," he says all serious, like I'm going to go driving him in the snow in my jammies and a robe.
"THAT'S true love, Reece - putting on pants."
Write that shit down, that's gold. True love is putting on pants...

Gender Confused Reindeer
get Cold Feet, too

I love the Christmas movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I know it's old, but it's one of the best Christmas shows of ALL TIME. Being a Rudolph addict, we have Bumbles, Yukon Cornelius, and Rudolph's around the house to Christmasify the place. We play the reindeer games, yo.
I bought a great big Rudolph and Kaelan loves him! He takes him on drives, to bed, around the house. He's no misfit here.
"Hey Mommy, come see this," Kaelan calls me from downstairs while I'm making breakfast one morning.
All the giggling has me wondering, not to mention apprehensive.
"What is it?" I ask as I lean waaaay around the corner.
"Look! Reindeers need slippers," he informs me.
"Wow! That's fantastic!"
"Now she won't get cold feet," he says.
"I bet she won't. I love it!"
"Rudolph loves slippers, too."
I had NO idea...that reindeer got cold feet or that Rudolph was a girl.

New Emoticons may Simplify Life

Sometimes your buds ask you how you're doing...and maybe they shouldn't. They'd have regrets - or sore ribs from laughing at you.

And then I Pee Stalked the Dog

I have reached an entirely new level of creepy, but it was for a GOOD CAUSE (although that's probably what they all say in court).
My Mom was concerned something was wrong with one of our dogs due to a reddish piddle on the floor.
Then she went to the city for the day.
So I went out in the SNOW and PEE STALK the dogs when they went potty (to see who was the "Red Piddler", not for giggles) - and they stared at me all judgemental-like.
The next day she admits that the spot was only spilled fruit juice from one of my I was the pee stalker for NOTHING.
And then I poured fruit juice on her - in my head.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Resurrection by Dryer Sheets and Manger Danger

How to Not Pass Medical School

"I know how to bring someone back from the dead," Reece informs me.
"Really?" I ask - and I am CONCERNED...will they be alive or will I be cleaning up after zombies, too?
"Well, just dead anyway," he clarifies. (And this is good to know. FRESH deadies only people! He may need a business manager.)

"Do tell."
"You rub two pieces of fabric together really fast until they're all covered in static electricity then you place them on two places on the persons chest," he says while  madly rubbing his hands together.
"Yes, maybe special fabric so it's staticky."
"Like fabric dryer sheets?"
"Maybe. I know it's fabric...or rocks. They get placed on the persons chest after they're covered in static electricity because the heart runs on electrons."
"...Good to know."
So if I have a heart attack, throw me in the dryer with some Bounce sheets - but FRESH SCENT...just in case.

Yeah, I'm SO not Going to Eat That

"What are those decorations called?" Kaelan asks me.
"Christmas balls?"
"Yeah, those. Hee hee, they looks like pudding."
Ummm, not seeing it...or eating it.

Don't be a 'Gator Hater

We started decorating for Christmas and my Mom put out her Nativity scene again. Mary, Joseph and those Wise Men were haters that loved camels and sheep but alligators were NOT INVITED...apparently.
Kaelan decided to correct this heinous transgression.

Bedtime Blues

"Hey Mommy, you know what I think?" my oldest son asks me.
"No, what?"
"Kaelans are not meant to sleep."
Nice try my child, nice try.

Monday, 18 November 2013

Between Siri and I, it's been a WTF kind of week...

Facial Hair for Everybody

"Mommy, I have a question," Kaelan announces.
THIS statement may be the beginning to great entertainment in my life...or the start of wine-o'clock (or sometimes both).
"What's that?" I ask.
"How come evergreens don't shave?"
"Ummm, because they like their whiskers?" I hazard a wild guess.
There's this pause and JUST when I think my bullshit has been called:
"Yup, whiskers...all year long."

Siri you Bitch

I recently updated my cell to the iPhone 5s. I love having an iPhone - they're easy to use, but I must admit autocorrect has a serious hate on for me. Now with Siri talk-to-text I've arrived in an entirely new level of texting Hell.
I gave Siri a whirl and totally did NOT CHECK what it wrote. Call me trigger happy on the send button. Call me stupid. Call me regretful.
Because I am.

This ranks an entirely new NUMBER ONE on my list of things to NEVER EVER send your mother...ever.

What was That?

I am thinking I am deaf as a freaking post. Here is a short list of hearing fails recently:
1. Not surfing for prostitutes...apparently.

"OMG?! Did they just say go to" I ask.

"Ultimate poker," my son's Dad tells me.

"Oh, thank goodness. That would've been wrong."

2. Is that Proactiv in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

"Did you just say you have zits in your pocket?" I ask my Mom - totally baffled.

"No, I have a Kleenex in my pocket."

"Wow, that's way more sanitary."

"Get a hearing aid."

3. Student handouts that would send a message

"Your teacher gave you butts?" I ask Reece for some clarification (justifiably I should think).

"No! Inspiring Leadership bracelets," he corrects me.

"Well, that makes more sense."

I think I'll be making a hearing test appointment...soon.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Mornings bring out my inner warned

Scariest Backseat Driver EVER

We went Halloween shopping for costumes. Driving home I almost fucking died as I'm going down the highway and see JUST this in my rearview mirror.
Happy Halloween motherfucker.

Get a Lawyer, Shorty

I thought being the Mom made me the law-of-the-land, but I was wrong. Why? Because I have a Mom, she is the boss of me and my kids know this. And I have one word for this: Shit.
I am doing errands with my boys after school when I ask the dreaded question.
"Does anyone have homework?"
"I do, I have reading," Reece tells me.
"I don't," Kaelan tells me.
This is not unusual. Kaelan often doesn't have homework but we have him work on learning ANYWAY...because we're awesome that way...and we know he can do ANYTHING...and he's catching up in a fantabulous way.
"Then you can do some math when we get home," I inform him as we pull up to the bank.
Inside the bank he tells me "I already did math at school."
"Well, you can do some more!" I announce in my uuber chipper voice.
We're headed back home and he's grumbling. "Why do I have to do math?"
"So you can learn fractions and things like that."
"You hate math," he points out (rather surprisingly).
Personally I think it sucks ass sideways through a straw when your kids throw things like LOGIC at you.
"We're not talking about me."
"...Is Grandma home?"
"Why? Do you want to appeal to a higher power?" I ask.
"I appeal...I'm asking Grandma."

It's ALL about Accessorizing

Reece was the Emperor of Evil for Halloween. He was totally excited about his costume. Very Grim Reaper-y.
"I think my favorite accessory is my scythe," he tells me.
"It really makes my outfit."

Home Security Advertising that can be Taken Two Ways

"If any monsters or zombies come I'll whack 'em in the head like an old man!" Reece tells me, swinging his scythe wildly on the way to bed.

Sometimes Nobody Listens...

and it's Still a Win

It's a school morning, so it's the usual poke and prod and nag-nag-nag to get everyone ready. This time of day really does bring out the tyrannical side of a parent's personality as we crush democracy and want to scream JUST DO IT ALREADY!
So we our head.
ANYWAYS - now we're behind and I'm trying to get Kaelan's zipper done up on his coat. I'm having the damndest time trying to get it put together. Kaelan, on the other hand, is having a delightful time flapping my hair in my face as he chatters away.
"Could you stop flapping me, please? I can't see to get this done up," I ask (trying not to laugh - I might inhale my hair).
He stops, looking offended.
"I'm not flattening anyone," he informs me.
Well, other than not hearing me right, that's probably still a win - yes?
ZIP! "There! Have a great day at school. I love you and don't flatten anybody."
"Okay Mom!"

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Your kids will get you in the end...

Embarrassing Shopping Moment Number...
shit, I've lost count

There are reasons parents hate grocery shopping. There are also reasons for the chillin' music while you shop. They TELL you it's so you'll stay, shop longer and spend all your money. I'm thinking the mind numbing music is so they don't have a disastrous cleanup on Aisle Five when parents lose their minds and go on a rampage.

"What do we use to chop people's heads off?" Kaelan asks me.

"I don't chop peoples heads off," I clarify for him (and everyone else shopping).

WE indeed, as a lady checking out the cookies has frozen in mid-reach and is trying not to laugh.

"And let's not talk about this here... Not matter how entertaining it is for other shoppers."

Because I Can...

Who's a pretty pumpkin? And who hates me? And who smells delightful (apparently like pumpkin spice). 

What a Waste of Wings, Clucky

I get grilled like a game show contestant on a regular basis, but lately I feel like I am running out of the RIGHT answers.

My boys and I are watching Rio and Kaelan is loving it. All those flappy birds in the show and he is in heaven.

"Do chickens have wings?" Kaelan suddenly asks me without looking away from the movie.


"Do they fly?"

"No, they don't," and I feel like I'm close to the next level on a game show (exciting).

"Then why do they have wings?"

Shit! Now I'll lose my chance to win that Samsonite luggage.

"...For eating...with hotsauce."

*This post was done on my iPad - crazy! Let's hope it works...

Monday, 7 October 2013

Don't freshen your breath this way...

Forget the Tomato rating,
how many Thumbs is it?

My youngest son once informed us he was an Eggitarian. When I asked if this meant he was going to only eat eggs (which he absolutely despises), he huffily informed me that it meant he did NOT eat all. So I informed the Eggitarian he had to eat them once in awhile, it's brain food.
Now I hide eggs in cheese and salsa to hide their yummy goodness - my Eggitarian is not always amused. Thank God it's not the dreaded egg day for him very often.
This was the Evil Egg Day and it was dragging out at the table.
"How's the eggs?" I ask Reece.
"Good," he answers with a grimace.
"They're good!" says his brother happily - he loves eggs. "Three thumbs up."
"Three thumbs up, huh?"
"Yup, three thumbs up. Maybe four."

Breakfast Secrety Message

My breakfast sent me a secret message. I'm pretty sure it wanted me to share it - you're welcome.

Not to be Taken Internally

My son's recently started wearing deodorant. Kaelan complained of smelling like soup (and that should completely turn you off of THAT for awhile) so we've leveled up the manliness - hence the pit stick.
This evening Reece has a shower, comes out and I remind him to go put on his deodorant.
He dances out of the bathroom all excited, waving his arms in the air.
"Guess what? I put on my deodorant and now my breath smells fresh!" he announces.
I couldn't hold back, I choked and laughed until I cried. AND since I have a horrible cold I had icky cough attacks all throughout this.
When I was almost done dying, Reece realized his mistake.
"I meant I put deodorant on my armpits so they wouldn't smell like soup."
I love that kid, soupy smell and all.

Some Things you Correct Immediately
then you give up because it's ridiculous

It was our weekend party night and time for movie/supper fun with my boys. I let them pick out the supper - it was corn dogs, tater tots, pickles and Dr. Pepper (fancy, yes?).
"I forgot how hard it is to eat a corn dog," Reece tells me.
"It's not hard," Kaelan argues (because this is what we do - argue, not eat corn dogs professionally).
"What do you know? You haven't eaten any of yours yet. All you've tried are your tater turds."
"Tots!" I yell into the middle of this (because I am NOT having my son going to school telling them Mom made him eat tater turds for dinner).
"Oh yeah, tater tots."
If Kaelan stops being willing to eat them because of this someone will be in the big turd.
Update! One Week Later
Reece is jumping up from his plate to inspect what's happening on their movie up close and personal on the television set.
"Are you all done yet, bud?" I ask (one of those trick questions we Moms ask knowing you're not done and you should get your ass back to the table).
"No, I still have five tater turds left."
Now, I gave up arguing...

Monday, 23 September 2013

Just call me ass floss and I won't remember anyway

How do I get Into Compromising Situations with Turkey Asses?


You're never going to believe was ANOTHER freaky fucking turkey. However, this time I took photographic evidence. Smart? Maybe... (That totally depends upon your definition.)
We decided to barbecue a turkey in an outdoor pit for the first time. I unwrap the turkey and WALLA - I start to laugh my ass off as I spot the turkey cuff/IUD-from-Hell. Unfortunately this alerts my youngest son who comes to investigate.
By the time he gets to the kitchen I had popped the plastic cuffs off the miscreant's legs and was still yanking on the evil IUD. THEN I get the brilliant idea to take a picture.
"What are you doing?" asks Reece.
"Taking pictures."
"Why?" he asks SO reasonably.
"Because nobody is going to believe me," I explain.
"But why are you taking pictures of a turkey bum?"
Boy, you'd think I was creepy or something.
"Who doesn't love a turkey bum?" I reply, after all - who can argue with that?
Turns out - nobody can.
Also turns out I realize THAT must be the line they use to convince some idiot to take the job of jamming these things up turkey cooters all-the-live-long-day.
So now I'm back to yanking on this plastic IUD-from-Hell and my son is watching me (which is SO WRONG by the way, I felt judged). It is SEVERELY stuck.
"What is that?" he asks.
"I honestly don't know," is all I can tell him as I'm giggling away. Something is SO wrong with me that I find this hilarious.
Finally it pops out and Reece is AMAZED.
"Is that a bone?" he asks.
"No, it's not a bone."
"It's got to be a rib," he tells me.
"No! It's plastic," I tell him as I snap a picture.
"Why are you taking pictures of it? It's a weird bone, isn't it?" and he looks concerned.
"It's definitely not a bone. Don't you have to go play?" I beg and laugh at the same time.
"You're going to stuff it now. You're laughing, it must be fun."
"Well, like I said - who doesn't like stuffing things in a turkey bum," I tell him (and totally another PR Turkey line).
Oh my God...what the Hell is wrong with me? Anyways, here's the hard earned evidence:

How Annoying did You Say?

Kaelan has always had an interesting way of naming things. We went through some fish named Fish and Little Fish. Stuffed bats named Black Bat... What's in a name? EXACTLY what you are.
Kaelan's sister recently went to the Fair where she won him a nice, flappy bee. He was very excited (Kaelan...not the bee) and all set to name him.
"Guess what my stuffies name is," Kaelan says to me.
"Mister Bee?" I guess.
"It's Annoying Bee," he informs me.
Wow, how appropriate on TWO levels. One: he screams like a Banshee at bees. Two: this very second I was getting a flap-attack from Annoying Bee in the face.
"Mister Bee is his middle name," he tells me.

Ass Floss is Not a Food Group

There are so many things in my life I did not think I would ever say. This is one of them.

"I can't believe you're chewing on that lion's ass," I say to the dog.
"She's chewed a hole in it," my Mom tells me (probably also something SHE never thought she'd say).
"That's disturbing... There's a hole in your aaa-SSS dear Lizaaa!" I sing (as opposed to There's a Hole in Your Bucket for any of you old enough to remember that one).
"She uses it like dental floss," my Mom explains.
"I wouldn't want to use ass floss."
At this point my Mother almost sprayed me with coffee, looks me in the eye and says "Well, you wear ass floss."
"At least I don't eat it."

Just Call me Frieda

I just might be the most oblivious person on the entire planet. How's that for an intro?
Both of my son's have the same senior Behavioral Therapist. She left a voicemail on my cell phone today. On the drive home from the city I realized I have been calling her by the WRONG freaking name...for quite some time. And by saying I "realized it" I should actually say her secretary corrected me when I called her back today to return her call.
And it FINALLY sank in.
THEN I realized the Behavioral Therapist has been using her voodoo powers on me, not-so-effectively. Let me explain. Behavior Therapists help with social skills and guide subtly with PROMPTS.
She sends me e-mails:
To Terry:
This is Deena, blah blah...
Thanks so much, see you soon!
Then I respond:
To Dianne:
That'd be great! Thanks!
Or she phones: "Hi Terry, this is Deena..." And I respond: "Thanks Dianne!"
She stops by to see my sons and I INTRODUCE her to everyone around! So she keeps leaving me her business card (and I just thought she was all remindy with her number) "In case you need to get a hold of me."
Holy shit am I slow. Maybe she should've done it back to me. When I called her Dianne she could've called me Frieda. It could've been fun! And less subtle.
It could even be like a social skill game of pretend - we could even dress up. But since she has the nicer hair and tan - I get the crown. Especially since I'm the Queen of Oblivious.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Another "brilliant" patent idea...maybe

When Hooked on Phonics Goes Wrong

It's that time of year again, the back to school shop-a-thon. It's exhausting and requires refueling so we decided on a time-out in the mall food court.
On the table is a stand-up brochure for diamond jewelry that draws Reece's attention like a moth to a flame. My little man does love his shiny things. He's examining the advertisement with a scowl of concentration.
"I cannot believe they put carrots in these!" he sputters, waving the ad in the air.
"Oh yes, carrots are great for everything. The more the merrier," I tell him.
Carrots - carats...true with both, anyway.

Yell-a-Vision...for Squid Attacks
and other Important Televised Events

I watched an amazing show the other day on squids. I don't usually watch documentaries (call me uneducated - but do it in a fancy way so I don't get it, okay?) but this one was awesome. All it needed was one thing, YELL-A-VISION (someone get me a patent).
Forget the smell-a-vision people, yell-a-vision is where it's at. I'm one of those people who needs to scream at the TV when people are being morons. It would be SO much more satisfying if it was interactive. Fucking brilliant, right?
On the squid show there was this man explaining how they were filming these squids at night, how five divers went down and only four came up. Then they had to search for the lost man for a long time - eventually he popped up all bloody and covered in squid hickeys.
Hickey man explained his experience. How he was watching the squids and it grabbed his flipper and he just WATCHED, thinking fascinating. And I'm yelling "Swim away!"
Then it grabs his arm and he does...NOTHING. And I'm screaming "What's wrong with you, you hippy - smack that squid!"
Then the squids drag him down 150 feet! AFTER they rip off his gold necklace he decides to fight back!
And I'm totally yelling "About time! What are you waiting for? The squid to steal your lunch money? You had to wait for it to take your PRETTY?!"
See what I mean? Yell-A-Vision could give some satisfaction in this situation...

Attack of the Man Eating Hamster

I took my boys on a Mercy-Slurpie-Delivery to their sister's today. Her son had been recovering from a fever (and since a Slurpie can fix anything we made it a double).
While we were there Holly introduced us to Wilbur, their new hamster.
"I only like cats and dogs," Kaelan informed her when offered a chance to hold Wilbur.
Reece, however, was thrilled! He couldn't wait to hold Wilbur.
"Does he bite?" he asked.
"No, he's never bitten anyone," Holly answered.
Reece is holding him very gently when suddenly he yelps "Ow! He bit me!"
Holly saved her brother from the killer hamster. We get Reece cleaned up and he asks more questions about Wilbur.
"Has he had his shots? Why did he bite me?"
"Maybe you smelled like food," Holly guessed.
"Well, what does he eat?"
"Little boys," I tell him.
"Banana, sunflower seeds, nuts," his sister informed him.
"Maybe you smelled like Cheerios," I guess.
"I bet that's it. I'll bring him some next time," Reece tells me.

Mommies, Mommies Everywhere

"Mommy?" Kaelan calls out to me as I'm sitting just out of his line of sight on the couch.
"Whoa!" he yelps, startled. "You're everywhere!"
That's just remember that when you become a teenager.

The Circumference of a Circle doesn't Involve Eye Liner...Who Knew?

"I've been playing with my cosmetology set," Reece informs me.
This is a bit of a surprise as I don't remember buying my 9 year-old son a make-up kit... I am, however, low on eye-liner.
"Pardon me?" I manage to respond when I can finally open my mouth without giggling.
"See? My set that Dad gave me with all the rulers," he explains as he points to the table.
"Oh! Your GEOMETRY set!"
Whew! Although that means I'm still low on eye-liner.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Look what the cat dragged in...we're not BBQing that

Throw Another Bird on the Barbie
on second thought...

It was a nice relaxing weekend until my son's let loose this shriek of horror/excitement  (that's the same thing from little boys, isn't it?) from their Dad's backyard. It turned out the cats left a "present" by the backdoor. Little did the kitties know that dead birds were NOT on their wish list.
"It's a dead bird!" Reece yells, his big blue eyes looking ready to fall right out.
"What did you do with it?" we ask.
"I put it on the barbecue," he tells us.
We go look and sure enough, it's on the barbecue...not like ON THE GRILL (mmmm, pass me a nugget - we're weird, but not THAT weird), but on the sideboard. But still, gross.
"Can we bury it?" he asks.
"I think we'll give him a Viking send off," his Dad tells him.
"What's that?"
"Put him in the fire pit," he explains.
THEN we did not have a fire right away (because it was early in the day) and I TOTALLY FORGOT.
Much later (after we had supper and I had CHICKEN) Reece comes up to me and asks "So, did Dad 'Burn the Bird'?"

And I actually thought he was talking about SUPPER.
Being a smartass, I respond "Around here we call it 'Squeezing the Cheeze' dude." 
Their Dad hears me and lets out this snort of laughter.
"Okay. Did Dad 'Squeeze the Cheeze'?" he asks seriously.
"I have no idea," I tell him (thinking to myself, shouldn't he know? Wouldn't it smell?).
"Well, did you guys have a fire in the backyard yet?" he asks.

Then I get it. Shit!
Oh my God...I just taught my kid that a funeral for a bird was called a fart. I am so going to Hell.


I'll Encourage You...
but keep the licking to a minimum

"Mommy, if I was a cat I would just lick myself," Kaelan informs me.
I'm not even going to pretend to be pro-good-luck-with-that here.
"Heh, heh, yah. Then I'd poop in my litter," he tells me.


WTF Marketing Gurus?

My youngest son looses his boxers like there is some mysterious undies gnome snatching them from the house. Fucking gnomes, I knew those little buggers were evil.
It's hard to keep up with the loss of undies - where do they go? We're constantly on the Boxer Replacement Program.
The BRP must be pretty fucking popular because Boys Large boxer briefs are in short bloody supply in the stores. It's a gnome-o-demic. Maybe there's a garden spray for this.
I go shopping and raid all the frigging stores looking for the rare underpants when I finally find TWO DAMN PACKAGES - not that I'm getting bitter by this point (bitter, no - pissy, yes).
I check out the undies and they have the typical picture stuff that little boy undies have. But then I notice something on one of them... What the fuck?
I get encouraging READING for children, but who writes SCORE on boys undies? They're not even SPORT undies (no soccer balls...just a CROSSWORD). Seriously!
Bad news... I bought them. We're low on undies! Fucking gnomes.

If you Don't Want to Know - Don't Ask

My oldest son loves vans. Love isn't even a big enough word...obsess maybe? Somebody make me up a new word even bigger than that. I hear HUGE diatribes on how he needs one, how I should have one (someone poke my eyes out first because I ALREADY RODE THAT - YUCK). They are THE most fan-ta-bulous vehicles in the universe.
After I was just grilled on the reasoning behind square doors and why each door has locks on vans, Kaelan yells:
"Do I look crazy to you?"

Now you're NEVER Getting my Keys

"If I had your keys I'd just say you've done enough trouble, Mom," Kaelan informs me.
Thanks...thanks a lot.