Tuesday, 26 March 2013

From Moldy Oldy to the Fountain of Youth

Freakin' Old to Moldy Oldy

"How old are you going to be on your birthday, Reece?" Holly asks.
"Three?" she teases.
"No," he scowls down at his lap - severely disappointed in his big sister. At almost NINE you'd think people would stop carding him by now.
"I'm just teasing you!" she explains, then tickles a giggle out of him. (Manly men can still giggle.)
"You're going to be really old," I tell him.
"That's right," says Holly.
"I don't know about that," says Mr. Serious.
"Well, how old is really old?" I ask (apparently I've ALREADY forgotten my list of Things Not To Ask).
"Well... Old is like in the thirties," he says.
 And BANG, like that my heart is shattered and he's grounded. His sister bursts into hysterical laughter - and SHAZAM, I don't care if she doesn't live at home anymore, her ass is grounded, too.
"A hundred is like moldy oldy," Reece informs us.
"Huh," I mutter...still only a little bitter on being old (and by a little - I mean I'm viciously plotting a lot of mushrooms in future dinners).
"So, really old is like in the forties," he decides.
I TOTALLY snort...as Daddy rides the age train there. Suddenly I'm feeling A LOT better.
"Oh my God! Dad!" yells Holly, laughing.
"Maybe seventy," adds Reece. "Forties to seventy."
Don't care. I still feel better.

Can You Say
Mystical Road Trip?

We're going on a road trip this weekend. That's right, loading up the SUV and heading out for a SEVEN HOUR drive to see our loved ones for the weekend. My kids are totally stoked.
Kaelan is already planning out his packing. He has a list of millions of stuffies and unplugged the night lights to take along - just in case. To Kaelan, a trip means staying at a hotel and that means breakfast.
Reece's comes up to me after we booked the hotel room and asks:
"Does our hotel have a Fountain of Youth?"
"Ummm, I'm going to guess no...but I'll go online and double check."
I'm hoping I'm wrong, I'd LOVE to lose a decade.

Christopher Columbus
Needed a Remote Control

It's Friday night and my muffin men are staying up a little later (because that's the way we roll on the weekend).
They asked to watch The Tooth Fairy before bed and I was all "Sure! Load it up!" (I'm all pro-choice when it involves watching a non-Toopy and Binoo show).
My Reecie grabs the movie and goes to load it as I go upstairs to make a coffee. Suddenly, he comes running upstairs.
"I don't know what to push. The Playstation asks if we want to update," he tells me - waving the remote around in the air like a distress flag.
"Update? Just hit yes," I tell him, dodging the remote (foolishly thinking Playstation update - that has to be okay).
I take my coffee downstairs and ask if it's done updating yet.
"No, it's still downloading the new continent."
Oh, yeah - you read that CORRECTLY.
"Pardon me?"
I was pretty sure I agreed to a Playstation update, not a rearrangement of the new world. I take a look and it's downloading New Live Content.
"Oh! This we can cancel... Ta da! Movie time!"
Maybe not as impressive as a new continent, but I made everyone pretty damn happy.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

My SUV Needs Balls...

Real SUV's have Balls...Cannon Balls

"Hey Mommy, you know what you could do with your SUV?" Kaelan asks me.
"Clean it?"
Darn, I am a TERRIBLE guesser.
"Then what?"
"Turn it into a pirate ship!"
"Really!" You have to admit, the idea sounds pretty kick ass.
"With a pointy plank sticking out the front," he tells me.
"Oh, and a big sail on top," adds Reece.
"And cannons on the side, cause all ships have cannon balls," Kaelan explains.
"Well that ought to help me get a parking space."
Brings a whole new meaining to the phrase move-it-or-lose-it.

If Only...

"Hey Mommy, if Daisy had wings she could totally fly," Kaelan tells me.
"Yes, yes she could!"
"Then she'd be a gargoyle... A dogoyle."
A Chihuahua dogoyle... Scary? Not so much.

It's Good to be King

"Hey Mommy, if I was king I'd totally be a king."
This proclamation from my oldest son was a bit of a surprise, as I had no idea he had royal aspirations.
"King Kaelan. Then Reecie would have to do whatever I say."
"No, I won't!" yells the not-so-future-subject.
Hmmmm, rebellion amongst the masses already.

St. Patch, You Bastard

My oldest son is big on making his own holidays. Some sound awesome, some incredibly unique...and some just fall into the category of OTHER.
"Hey Mommy, have you heard of St. Patch's Day?" Kaelan asks me.
"No, I haven't. What's that?"
"Maybe it's like an Irish Pirate," offers his Dad.
"St. Patch's Day you get to do whatever you want. Like you can watch cartoons and make stuff and cook stuff..."
"And do dishes?"
This St. Patch's Day is sounding like a rip to me.

Check your Ears...
For Hearing and Spit

When on the Autism Spectrum we love our routine, it's comforting and safe. We have our bedtime rituals...but this night I was given a surprise.
I put my boys to bed and they're all tucked in. I give them hugs and kissies, then I sing my usual:
"Goodnight Kae-lan and Ree-eece!"
I'm tellin' ya, THAT is solid gold.
I turn to leave and Kaelan says "I'm scared."
"Awww buddy, there's nothing to be scared of. I'll be right out there in the livingroom. It's okay," I tell him.
"You'll protect me?"
"Absolutely! I'll always protect you."
As I step away from the doorway I hear Kaelan say something that I swear to God had me responding:
"You want me to spit in your ear?" I ask him.
"You promise to protect me forever?" he asks me.
WOW, did I get that one wrong!
"Oh! Yes! I promise to protect you forever! Goodnight K, I love you."
I'll protect you from everything I hear coming...and I promise not to spit in your ear.

Goals from Hell

So, I updated my resume this week. I learned resumes are BORING...and very tempting to elaborate on.
You write your resume and you feel like you're waving your pom poms yelling "pick me! pick me!"
Then there's the headings... Like Goals. Seriously? Goals should be eliminated because of people like me. I could get in so much trouble if too much honesty leaked out.
My goal is to one day sit back and receive great big gobs of money just for fun! A girl can dream, can't she?
Or my goal is to cavort with moderately dark and mysterious forces...mostly because I really want to use the word "cavort" just once... And only moderately because I'd really hate to end up on one of those intervention shows, they look embarrassing. And also because they make you cry and I don't want to look splotchy in front of masses of people. And also because I'm afraid of having one of those moments in public where the Kleenex rejects your snot and you get it all over your face. YUCK.
See what I mean? My resume...trouble looking for a place to happen.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Cover Your Ass if Wiping Around Here

The Definition of Awesomeness

Each afternoon my oldest son and I go hang out in our SUV, waiting for Reece to finish school. Today I'm off in my own little world, my mind peacefully drifting.
"Mom! I have a yucky green booger!" Kaelan suddenly yells.
I look over and, sure enough, there's a fluorescent green booger stuck to the end of his finger.
"It's bright green! I have GOT to show this to Reecie," he says excitedly.
THEN he stuffs it BACK up his nose for safe keeping! I am speechless...and horrified...and totally grossed out.
"Awesome," he tells me as he gazes out the window.
Yeah...not so much.

Green Day

For the Irish...not the hippies...

It'll Cure What Ails Ya...

I'm lying on the couch and my oldest son comes up to me.
"Mom! Sick peoples need flowers, remember?"
"Oh? Does this mean you're buying me flowers?" Please note: I am not above hinting (as I have NO SHAME).
"Flowers cure sick peoples," he replies with an air of authority.
Alright! I'm totally going with this one. Ladies, you'll thank me when he's older!

You Wipe Your Ass with WHAT?

My sons and I are headed into the grocery store. We didn't have a lot to get so I assigned them each the task of carrying one item (and avoided the entire who's-driving-the-cart war).
"What do we need?" Reece asks me.
"We need milk and toilet paper," I tell him.
"So...we need milk and butt whap."
I seriously had to glance around to see who was listening to this. I also realized there comes a time in the day when you don't even argue.

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Pass the Peckers - On Second Thought...

Magically Delicious?

I was given THE coolest set of salt and pepper shakers for Christmas. MAGIC salt and pepper shakers! ...From my mother (this is what you'd call a critical plot point).
I use these all the time. I find it gives me that whole I'm-a-good-fairy vibe as I wave my magic wands over my son's yellow and whites (those would be "eggs" to y'all not in-the-know) each morning.
Oh yes, not only am I cool - I'm like HOGWARTS cool.
NOW, we'll fast forward to today (using my mega awesome time travel ability - 'cause I can do that) and my Mom has cooked us all a fabulous chili supper.
I'm tidying up the table after supper and I pick up my beautiful shakers...
"Man, I love my salt and peckers."
WHOA! I skid to a halt. WHAT just slipped out of my mouth?
Things NOT to say to your mother...EVER.

Mr. Vain 

My sons and I are enjoying a nice drive to the city. We're headed down the highway in our SUV and enjoying some tunes.
"Aghhh!" screams Kaelan. "Oh NO!"
This sudden shrieking causes me to swerve, thinking there's actually a REAL problem. Somedays I am SO delusional...
"What's wrong?" I ask - having a serious adrenaline rush (I am SO not meant for NASCAR style driving).
"Just look," he says, all put-out and distraught, as he sticks out his elbow at me.
I glance at him, wondering what the hell? I DON'T SEE THE BLOOD GUSHING! (And it should be for trying to KILL ME.)
"I don't see anything, Kaelan."
"The spot! I can't be seen like this!"
Oh. My. God... The horror.



"My friend found a scorpion in his sucker," Reece announced after school.
Ewww. He sounds surprisingly happy about this, seeing as he is just as much a fan of the bugs as I am. Which is NOT AT ALL.
"No, really. And it was ALIVE!"
This announcement is made with all the vibrating excitement of a mad scientist.
"In the sucker," I ask flatly - because creepy crawlies are only exciting when you are fighting for your life.
"How did that happen?" (You KNOW you have to ask!)
"He got a sucker and there was a scorpion in it...but he didn't eat it."
"I'd hope not!"
Bug suckers do not sound tasty...crunchy, but not tasty.
But seriously, can you really leave a scorpion sucker conversation hanging like that? NO! Like a crack addict, I needed more. I had questions...unfortunately.
"How did he know it was still alive?"
"He saw it move!"
THIS is where the Mom in me went pfft! The girl in me went ewww! (And the badass in me went "fuck that, where's the Raid?")
"Really! And it GREW! It started off small and now it's way bigger! I saw it!"
"You...saw it grow?" I ask, and now I'm a little creeped out. Mutant scorpions growing exponentially...fuck a duck! (Well, I don't know if they do that - but they seem to have superpowers.)
"Well...no. But I saw the scorpion."
"In the sucker."
"And you saw it ALIVE? You saw it move?"
"...Maybe I didn't SEE it move, but my friend did," he says - a little irked at my skepticism.
Hmmm, NOW who's the sucker?

Friday, 1 March 2013

Step on It!!!


You know when you're trying to push your vehicle for more speed going uphill and it's just NOT HAPPENING? Well, sometimes it's TOTALLY worth it - and friggin' hilarious.
"Come on car," I chant, sending out positive-rolling vibes with every fibre of my being.
"Daddy pushes hard," Kaelan informs me.
Say what?
"Daddy pushes what hard?" I ask, pretty sure this is going to be good (and by good, I mean excellent blackmail material).
Kaelan has abandoned watching the telephone poles out his window and is now stretched from his seat waaay over to see what I'm doing.
"That thing you're pushing on."
"The gas pedal?"
Now he's pointing at the spedometer excitedly. "Daddy went from 100 to 120 to 140 to 160 to 180. Almost to 200! So there were no cars."
"Wow! That must have been exciting!"
"I bet Daddy's SO happy you told me," I giggle.
And now I can't wait...


If you Like to Talk to Tomatoes...
Don't Eat Them

"My friend lets me try his baby tomatoes from Greece," Reece tells me on the way home from school.
"Oooh, lucky you! Sounds yummy!"
"Yuck! I hate tomatoes. They make me barfs," Kaelan reminds us (just in case we have forgotten the last 10 years).
"Tomatoes are good!" Reece tries to convince him.
What the hell, I jump on the bandwagon. "You like tomatoes in ketchup and pizza sauce...and salsa!"
"And Bob the Tomato (Veggie Tales), I like him," Kaelan adds. "But I don't eat talking vegetables."
Probably a good rule.
"Neither do I."

The Latest way to Measure Up

Reece had to build a bridge for science class. He learned about suspension bridges, arch bridges, kissing bridges...
He decided on a suspension bridge. The whole class would be having a build-a-thon day at school, but you had to have your plan made and all your materials gathered to take with you.
We're in the livingroom, talking to him about the pillars for his bridge and what he could use to make them.
"How strong does your bridge have to be?"
"It has to hold six and a half lillabeters," he tells us, reading his instructions.
SILENCE...probably because our brain cells were scrambling to try to figure that one out.
"Yes, six and a half lillabeters. You know, three kilograms," he explains.
"Oh! LILLABETERS!," I look at my Mom. "I used to call them lubs instead of pounds."
You know - lbs. - lubs. It makes sense...sort of...maybe...sheesh!
Now we're all trying desperately not to laugh (and judging by our muffled snorts - failing miserably). Tears are running down my face!
"At least I know where he gets it from."
His bridge was a success and held ALL the lillabeters!

Oh, the Love

"I love you, Mommy," Kaelan tells me at the supper table.
Awww! Sometimes my kids are so sweet, my heart just melts.
"I love you, too bud!"
"Also, I love my lips."
Good to know.

Time for a Haircut

"Hey Mommy, if I had longer hairs I would definitely spin them to make them look like a propeller," Kaelan tells me.