Monday, 22 April 2013

Superheroes and breezy asses

It Ain't Easy Bein' Breezy's More Fucking Embarrasing

I'm walking up the steps to the house and I hear a funny's a strange rippy sound coming from my ASS!
And no - I didn't fart.
I DID, however, spin myself in dizzy circles trying to see my own butt.
Then I bent over (like "touch your toes") trying to solve the mystery. Needless to say I didn't see anything out of the ordinary (totally NOT saying here that it's ORDINARY to bend over to do a "butt watch" on my very own self).
I know, the easy thing would have been to run like Hell to a mirror - but that would have made SENSE (and we can't have that).
Finally, I cave and grab my own butt. WEIRD...probably not the strangest thing I've done though (as I consider the yanking-the-turkey-IUD-incident). I find my jeans have started splitting right across my butt crack! It's like a run in panty hose with all the shreddy-little-strings still attached.
It's after 5 p.m. and I've been ALL OVER TOWN today - school, shopping, the bank... Who knows how long my butt crack's been hanging out?
Oh. My. God.

It's ALL in the Name

What's in a name? Only total AWESOMENESS in this case.
"We should call your SUV Mom," Kaelan tells me.
"What?" As this kind of came out of NOWHERE, I was taken by surprise (although by this point in my life nothing should).
"What? It's the only name I know," he explains. "Mom...or Aunty Mom."
I was just stunned into silence as we drove towards Reece's school.
"Aunty Mom," he decides after a moment.
I didn't even have an answer.
"Ooooh, Aunty Mom," he gushes, patting the dashboard.
Aunty Mom the SUV - low on gas, frequently broken, a little tempermental...
"Sounds good," I tell him, smiling.
TOTALLY makes sense to me.

Mom...or Not?

Kaelan comes running into the livingroom - looks at me and yells:
"If you're a mother, chickens can fly!"
To laugh - or go look for flying chickens...decisions, decisions.

And the Latest Superhero is...

"Hey Mom, I need a new watch and a clock and a tattoo of a clock on my chest and then I will be Super Kaelan The Master Kaelan of Time!"
Totally awesome, I love it!

Friday, 12 April 2013

I want to magically suck asses out of windows...TMI? (Blame Harry - I do)

Dangerous Gasses Here

My oldest son is on a serious scissor hunt so he can finish cutting out an Angry Bird. Reece joins him to dig through the art box.
"Ugh! I smell something yucky and fart," Kaelan mutters in disgust.
"That's because I did," his brother admits oh-so-casually.
"I wish you would stop farting on this," Kaelan tells him.
They continue digging through the art box...
"Hey Reece, I'm not dead," Kaelan announces.
I guess the fart wasn't that bad.

Breakfast - Surprisingly Pricey

Easter holidays are over, so it's back to the grind the for us. It's a school morning and I make my boys some super yummy waffles for breakfast.
As I pass the waffles around - Kaelan hands me this:
"Here Mom, here's my bill."
Say what?
"Gee, thanks!" I tell him as I take it, a HUGE smile on my face.
"Hang on to that," he tells me - giving me a stern look.
Oh boy...


I'm totally pro-redneck, being part redneck myself. Sometimes it goes a bit far. Not this time - THIS was SO fucking awesome I almost peed.
I was in a Walmart parking lot (SURPRISE...not) when I look beside my SUV and THERE IT IS - more duct tape than should ever hold together a dashboard - or MAKE cupholders.
Whoever you are, thank you. You totally made my day.

Somebody Thinks He's Funny

Kaelan and I are waiting in our SUV for Reece to finish school so we can pick him up and make our escape homeward bound.
Kaelan likes to play this game where he tries to trick you. He says "Hey, look over there! An alien!" Then when you look and ask where, he'll say "Got you!" and laugh like crazy.
Today he's getting bored and stimming away in his seat. His eyebrows are going up and down lightening fast, he's pursing his lips over and over...then he starts stretching his tongue waaaay out.
"What are you doing?" I ask, giggling.
"Hey Mom, look over there," he announces (SO sneaky-like) - pointing out my window with this devilish look on his face.
Playing along, I turn and look.
"What is it?" I ask, waiting to hear something funny.
SLURP! Suddenly I get LICKED right up my cheek!
Whoa...Okay, THAT I wasn't expecting.
Definitely got me this time.

Do what I Say
or Off with Your Head

Kaelan has a birthday coming up soon. He is VERY excited about it (and that would be the understatement of the year).
I pick Kaelan up from school today and he has a paper covered in photos with him. He climbs up in the car, belts in and turns to me.
"You and Reece and the class can have the cake and piƱata. You can get me this," he informs me, pointing to the picture at the top of his page.
"You want a stack of lizards?" I ask (foolishly - YES, I see that now).
"Ummm, that's bearded dragons," he corrects me.
"You really think I'm going to go find four bearded dragons?" I KNOW! Sometimes you know better, but you just can't stop yourself from saying these things.
"They're in the desert," he instructs me (SO helpfully - since I JUST SAID  I wouldn't FIND them...I'm a dumbass).
"That would be no," I set the record straight.
He scowls at me. "Your King has spoken."
Somehow, I don't think this is over...


Yet Another Reason I Want to be Wizard

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 with my kids today and I COMPLETELY want to be a Hogwarts wizard.
I want that skill where when someone pisses you off you freeze their ass in midair - then SHAZAM! You suck them out the window!
Admit it...deep down you're going - right on.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Magic, Shit and New Glasses to Check it Out...

Leveling Up my Mom Magic
'Cause I Kick Ass that Way

I've been playing Skyrim on PS3 and it is completely KICKASS. There is nothing quite like meandering though another world in armored undies to put some zip in your evening.
I KNOW...nerd. You can say it.
I'm a girl in my game, a COOL girl with uuber skills (at Level 27 - let it be so).
So, when I'm yanked from my awesomeness to deal with real-life salesmen at my door, I'm a little slow on the uptake.
Door-to-door salesmen wanting to hawk their spiffy alarm systems to save me from gangs of marauders and pirates and angry villagers with pitchforks... To top it off I'd get a SIGN for my yard! Oooh, if only some asshole wouldn't immediately steal it (but the alarm system doesn't alert for that - I checked).
I actually wanted to use my shout of Unrelenting Force on him to blast his ass off the deck...but then I remembered I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THAT... Damn.
So, instead I told him it was okay, I had large dogs with big teeth...and looked over my shoulder.
So he left.
Maybe I AM magic.
Mom - Level 30 something.

How NOT to Keep an Eye on the Dog

Our Bulldog, Tasha, is grounded...and maybe so am I. This is what you DON'T let the dog do while your mother is out. She doesn't appreciate it...neither does Shaw...apparently.
I'm going to guess this is NOT like fibre - and want to be very far away when the whole "what goes in must come out" thing goes on...

She apologized, but what can I say?

Get Me a Patent...STAT

We're on a road trip to the Citay - cruisin' in the SUV and the weather is F-I-N-E = fucking amazing for once. I'm loving it. (Can you tell I'm sick of winter?)
My oldest son, not so much.
"Ugh! I can't SEE! I need a blanket!" he's yelling as he stuffs his jacket up against the window (before he bursts into flames).
"Maybe one day if you stop breaking your glasses we can get you those Transition lenses," I tell him.
"What's a Transmission lense?" he asks.
Before I can correct this, his brother pipes up "Oh, I know!"
However, in the brotherly battle this just isn't done.
"Wait! I know, I know! Transmission is like Temperature," Kaelan guesses.
"That's right, K. Just like your babies name - Temperature (that Temperature is a doll). It's the same as Transmission," explains Reece.
Wow... It was  all SO fast - my mouth just hung open.
Now I'm thinking they'd be like the Harley Davidson brand of the glasses world: Transmission Lenses - FOR METEOROLOGISTS.
"Are you a badass weatherman?
Try Transmission lenses and NO ONE will accuse you of being wrong..."
That shit is BRILLIANT.

April is Autism Awareness Month

You may have seen the commercials, seen it on Twitter or Facebook, but now you get to see it HERE! YAY! Even better, I know.
These are my sons - they are fantastic in EVERY single way. You'd never know it, but they are both on the Autism Spectrum. What an amazing gift, yes?
We are aware everyday and hope for acceptance, inclusion and understanding.