How to Scar Potential Employees
This was Finalize All The Paperwork In The World Week in order to set up programming for my children. This is the therapists and grand-poobahs who come out (that don't want to without all that official red-tape APPARENTLY).
I arrive at one of my many meetings this day and my Paper Lady brings along a trainee. Big mistake.
Since this meeting is for my oldest son, I'm told it is supposed to be a "quick run-through". I'm handed a large bundle of papers to sign. Sign here, here, here - initial, initial... I feel so popular.
Then she runs through the protocols for the trainee's benefit and the fun begins...
"I'm sure you know what to do if you have a complaint," she begins.
"I keep it to myself or you'll get me," I say.
"Oh, no! We start at the bottom and we take it all very seriously," she begins.
I turn to the trainee "Then they print off my picture very big and you all throw darts at it."
The trainee is watching us like a Ping-Pong ball match.
"They are all resolved," Paper Lady informs us.
"Then there is a party...with drinks?" I ask hopefully.
"I do like that idea. We should add that. And you know about termination, too?" Paper Lady asks.
"Yes, and I know who eggs my house," I tell her.
"We don't really do that," she laughs.
Aaand now I've given trainee IDEAS. Fucking brilliant. I hope I never hire her.
"No grievances, we work to cover any transition period," she says.
"And then we have drinks."
"We'll move on. You're responsible for clothing, food, and admission," she reminds us both.
"No," I tell her.
"Excuse me?" asks Paper Lady, realizing she has made a GIANT mistake to train during this meeting.
"We prefer au natural...less laundry that way."
"Okay, I think that's everything. Thank you for coming in," and Paper Lady shakes my hand.
"No problem! And nice to meet you," I tell the wild-eyed trainee. "Now you know the truth about parents - we really are crazy."
"Oh, I know parents. I've worked in child care before," trainee tells me.
Oh sweetie, you've never met a parent like me.
You have WHAT in your Mouth?
"Hey Mom, I lost my fat tooth!" Kaelan tells me.
"What kind of tooth?" I ask, picturing one tooth getting ALL the benefit from those Happy Meals.
"My moldar," he explains - then stretches his mouth open very wide so I can see into the cavernous depths and be impressed.
And I am...it's scary in there.
"Wow!" I tell him as I try not to giggle.
MOLDar indeed. Must've been time to come out then!
Architect? Maybe Not
"If I had crooked walls I'd know what to do," my youngest son informs me.
"What's that?" I ask.
"What would you guess?" he asks me.
A guessing game - I LOVE it!!!
"Tilt your head?" I guess.
"Walk crooked?" I try.
"No," he shakes his head.
"Not that either."
"Hire that guy from HGTV?" I guess, because that's what I'D want to do (but to be honest, I'd probably just tilt my head).
"That's not it," he tells me.
It's official, I suck at this game.
"Okay, what is it?"
"I'd put fluffy cotton in the cracks," he tells me.
Okay, no wonder I was wrong. I don't think he's going to be an architect...and I'm not going to let him do any renovations. Ever.