Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Things not to do with Ocean Spray

Dear Ocean Spray: You may want to talk to my son and stay away from old folks

 
Reece is talking to me on the way to the city and it sounds like he's pinching his nose shut.
 
"Is there a box of Kleenex in the backseat? I think you need to blow your nose," I suggest.
 
After creating a ginormous pile of tissue on his lap he tells me "I think I have nasal congestion."
 
"I think you're right."
 
"You know what I need? Ocean Spray," he throws out there.
 
"Really?" and now I'm confused, however this isn't a surprise as it happens A LOT.
 
"Yes. You spray it up your geezer."
 
Wow. This made me almost swerve off the road. Why? Why do these things ALWAYS happen when I'm driving?
 
"That sounds uncomfortable," not to mention illegal...and now I need to keep him away from old folks homes.
 
"Well, not right up your geezer. But just up the nasal so you can breathe fresh," he explains.
 
"Ahhh, that sounds...better."
 
Not. It SOUNDS like the colonoscopy from Hell.
 
And I've NEVER seen that on an Ocean Spray commercial. I must not get that channel... Sick bastards.

Diablo III...Hell for the Other Guys

 
This is my youngest son's perspective on playing a co-operative game. I'm guessing he's not going to grow up to be a hippie...just a guess.
 
"What's good about having a friend in this game is you can stand back and let them do all the fighting," he tells me as I see his 'friends' get annihilated.
 
"Just throw 'em to the wolves, huh?"
 
"Mhmmm..."

The Doorway to Narnia...
or Wherever too Much Booze takes Ya


My Mom bought a new-to-her wine cabinet and it is AWESOME. It's old and looks like something that belonged to Grandma...if my Grandma wasn't cheap and a little bit crazy.
 
"I love that cupboard! It's like that one they use to get to Narnia, but without the creepy fur coats," I tell my Mom.
 
"You mean a wardrobe?" she asks.
 
"Yes! The wardrobe!"
 
"Except ours is filled with wine."
 
"That just makes it MORE awesome. And we'd still be able to talk to lions - it's just a matter of having enough."
 
"I need to finish filling it," she reminds me - as I'm in the way obsessing over our magic wardrobe.
 
Now I'm thinking we need a sign. A picture of a giant wine bottle with lines at different levels, like a measuring cup. THIS much to see lions, THIS much to see guys with goat feet and THIS much to see talking gophers.
 
Fucking brilliant! I bet I could sell them in bars. I may need a patent...
 

A Brief Norse "History" if You're not Picky about Facts

 
My youngest son comes up to me with knowledge blazing in his eyes...and by knowledge I might mean vague guessing, you be the judge.
 
"Mom, I know how Vikings got horns," Reece tells me.
 
"Really? How's that?" I ask.
 
A mistake, possibly, but I have this problem...it's called ZERO CONTROL.
 
"They took the horn of an animal, then they dug out the middle," he begins.
 
"Ewww." (Yes, I should have known better. Hindsight is a bitch.)
 
"Then they put something on the pointy end so their lips wouldn't touch anything icky."
 
Because we all know how sanitary Vikings were.
 
"Like Purell?" I guess.
 
"No. Like leather," he tells me.
 
"Ahhh."
 
"Then they put a ring of gold around the other end."
 
"How incredibly fancy!"
 
"Yes."
 
You heard it here...snag yourself a Viking. They have fancy horns AND they're a tidy folk.
 

Keep your Beezer Nice and Fresh

 
"Oh sick! I just got water up my nasal cavity!" Reece announces as he comes out of the bathroom.
 
Seriously, I have NO idea where he comes up with this stuff.
 
"Oh?" I dare to ask.
 
"What's a nasal cavity?" asks Kaelan.
 
"It's a nose hole," Reece explains.
 
"I was brushing my teeth, then rinsing - like this," then he starts rattling his head madly back and forth.
 
"Oh I hear ya," I reply, because honestly it's all I can think of without laughing (or sarcasm).
 
"Well, at least my nose is all fresh."
 
Yay for the silver (and minty fresh) lining!
 

And How does that Make you Feel?
How about hearing impaired???

 
"Sometimes I feel like a dwarf."
 
My youngest son blasts me with this information in the CAR...while I'm DRIVING...because he wants to KILL ME.
 
And all I can think is that at least this is going to be an entertaining way to crash.
 
"Do I look like a dwarf?" he asks.
 
"No. You don't look bulky or hairy," I tell him.
 
And HERE is where the family hearing issues rear their ugly (and entertaining) head.
 
"I'm bonky?" he asks, somewhat fascinated.
 
"No! I said bulky or hairy!" I laugh.
 
Oh, but this was not the end.
 
"Bulky or beery?" he asks, COMPLETELY baffled. "What's beery?"
 
Oh my God. Note to self: clean his ears.
 
"I don't know! I said HAIRY!"

"I'm not hairy," he tells me with this totally offended look on his face.

Screw it...be a dwarf - I quit.