Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

And then I Pee Stalked the Dog...

Christmas is either a Rip-off
or Elves might be really Scary

 
Two words: hearing issues. This is the cause of much entertainment and distress in our house lately. Although I am mega-glad it's no longer just me with the issues (at least those issues).
 
We're seated at dinner when Reece asks me "What's a conman?"
 
"It's a crook," I answer.
 
"It's a Santa," Kaelan tells him at the SAME TIME.
 
Now I'm laughing my ass off and imagining somebody getting less in his stocking for that comment.
 
"She said a conman was an Orc," Reece corrects his brother.
 
"Did he just say Santa was an Orc?" I ask my Mom, completely baffled - yet wildly amused (and totally screwed for presents by laughing at this).
 
Oh my God, we all need to clean our ears.
 

True Love

 
My oldest son has been sick with croup so I've been driving Reece to school rather than have him walk all by his lonely self. Reece is just about ready when we decide on this.
 
"I guess I have to go put on pants then," I tell him.
 
"Yeah," he says all serious, like I'm going to go driving him in the snow in my jammies and a robe.
 
"THAT'S true love, Reece - putting on pants."
 
Write that shit down, that's gold. True love is putting on pants...
 
 

Gender Confused Reindeer
get Cold Feet, too

 
I love the Christmas movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I know it's old, but it's one of the best Christmas shows of ALL TIME. Being a Rudolph addict, we have Bumbles, Yukon Cornelius, and Rudolph's around the house to Christmasify the place. We play the reindeer games, yo.
 
I bought a great big Rudolph and Kaelan loves him! He takes him on drives, to bed, around the house. He's no misfit here.
 
"Hey Mommy, come see this," Kaelan calls me from downstairs while I'm making breakfast one morning.
 
All the giggling has me wondering, not to mention apprehensive.
 
"What is it?" I ask as I lean waaaay around the corner.
 
"Look! Reindeers need slippers," he informs me.
 
"Wow! That's fantastic!"
 
"Now she won't get cold feet," he says.
 
"I bet she won't. I love it!"
 
"Rudolph loves slippers, too."
 
I had NO idea...that reindeer got cold feet or that Rudolph was a girl.
 

New Emoticons may Simplify Life

 
Sometimes your buds ask you how you're doing...and maybe they shouldn't. They'd have regrets - or sore ribs from laughing at you.
 

And then I Pee Stalked the Dog

 
I have reached an entirely new level of creepy, but it was for a GOOD CAUSE (although that's probably what they all say in court).
 
My Mom was concerned something was wrong with one of our dogs due to a reddish piddle on the floor.
 
Then she went to the city for the day.
 
So I went out in the SNOW and PEE STALK the dogs when they went potty (to see who was the "Red Piddler", not for giggles) - and they stared at me all judgemental-like.
 
The next day she admits that the spot was only spilled fruit juice from one of my boys...so I was the pee stalker for NOTHING.
 
And then I poured fruit juice on her - in my head.
 

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Resurrection by Dryer Sheets and Manger Danger

How to Not Pass Medical School

"I know how to bring someone back from the dead," Reece informs me.
 
"Really?" I ask - and I am CONCERNED...will they be alive or will I be cleaning up after zombies, too?
 
"Well, just dead anyway," he clarifies. (And this is good to know. FRESH deadies only people! He may need a business manager.)

"Do tell."
 
"You rub two pieces of fabric together really fast until they're all covered in static electricity then you place them on two places on the persons chest," he says while  madly rubbing his hands together.
 
"Fabric?"
 
"Yes, maybe special fabric so it's staticky."
 
"Like fabric dryer sheets?"
 
"Maybe. I know it's fabric...or rocks. They get placed on the persons chest after they're covered in static electricity because the heart runs on electrons."
 
"...Good to know."
 
So if I have a heart attack, throw me in the dryer with some Bounce sheets - but FRESH SCENT...just in case.
 

Yeah, I'm SO not Going to Eat That

 
"What are those decorations called?" Kaelan asks me.
 
"Christmas balls?"
 
"Yeah, those. Hee hee, they looks like pudding."
 
Ummm, not seeing it...or eating it.
 

Don't be a 'Gator Hater

We started decorating for Christmas and my Mom put out her Nativity scene again. Mary, Joseph and those Wise Men were haters that loved camels and sheep but alligators were NOT INVITED...apparently.
 
Kaelan decided to correct this heinous transgression.
 
 

Bedtime Blues

 
"Hey Mommy, you know what I think?" my oldest son asks me.
 
"No, what?"
 
"Kaelans are not meant to sleep."
 
Nice try my child, nice try.


Thursday, 13 December 2012

Bein' Saucy...Oh, She's got Issues

I've got Hair Issues

 
Kaelan and I are enjoying the SWEETEST snuggles on the couch. I'M all - awwwww...
 
"You need a haircut," Kaelan tells me.
 
Okaaayyy...SOMEBODY is not feeling the love nearly as much as I.
 
"Excuse me?"
 
"Your hair is poking my eyelashes," he informs me.
 
"Alright. Maybe Mommy will go get short hair."
 
"No! I like eating things out of your hair!"
 
Eeeyyuuuwwww!!!
 
Let me clarify: Many children on the Autism Spectrum have sensory processing issues. They are hypersensitive to some things (light, sound, smell, touch) or hyposensitive to others. These things ebb and flow due to stress and health issues. How to cope with a nerve-wracking, noisy, bright unpredictable world? Stimming!
 
Everybody stims. Finger tapping, pencil chewing, hair twirling. Repetitive, comforting motions. You get the idea.
 
THIS is what he was trying to get across - one comfort is trying to mouth hair. (SO - for the record, I don't have creepy crawlies or Cheetos in my "do".)
 
"You can eat things out of my hair," he generously offers.
 
"...Sweet, but no thanks."
 

The Christmas Countdown

 
My biggest boy was being a seƱor cranky pants this morning. I tell him 'tis the season to be JOLLY (dammit!).
 
"Christmas is coming," I remind him.
 
"18 days." He's got the countdown thing down pat.
 
"You have to be good not JUST on the last day. You know, people are Christmas shopping for your presents beforehand."
 
"But...peoples only have two hands."
 
I could only nod and walk away at that.
 
 

Oh Rosetta, that Saucy Sailor Talk...

 
Reece was filling me in on his linguistic ability on the way to school this morning.
 
"I can speak Vampire," he informs me proudly.
 
"Oh my!" I had NO idea he'd been hanging with the undead crowd.
 
"I can also speak Scottish."
 
This was a bit of a surprise as well. I don't remember Gaelic being on the menu in his school.
 
"Do you want to hear?"
 
"Absolutely!" If you think I was going to miss this, you're crazier than I am.
 
"Aye laddie. Come here! Let's pin a tail on ya!"
 
Wow! I almost peed.
 
I can just see my ancestors, three sheets to the wind - playing pin the tail on the Laird!
 
"I can speak Japanese, too. But it sounds like bad words... You know...s-h-i-t-e and that one with the middle finger. It's a pretty angry language."
 
Rosetta Stone, rated M for mature.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Acid, Zombies 'n Marshmallows...Merry Christmas Baby!

Damn Cursive Writing will Eat the Flesh from Your Bones!

 
"Today we worked on corrosive writing."
 
Wow! Hearing this from my 8-year old son was a little surprising! I had visions of acidic ink EATING through the paper...poor lefty children losing their hands!
 
Things sure have changed since I was in school.
 
So, I'm trying desperately not to laugh - and his cousin (a pre-teen and IMMENSELY proud of the title) isn't fazed at ALL.
 
"Oh? What letter?" she asks.
 
"The letter G," he tells her. "I practiced my corrosive G over and over."
 
Her older sister, however, totally gets the difference between flesh dissolving G's and cursive writing. She's trying valiantly not to spontaneously combust while holding in her laughter.
 
I, on the other hand, am made of sterner stuff... I went into the kitchen to lose it.
 
Gz!!!

O' Little Town of Bethlehem...

With Zombies 'n S'mores

 
When you have Autism, life is a lot safer when things "make sense." Life should have logic, order, patterns. This is why objects get lined up, sorted, rearranged.
 
My oldest son apparently found fault with my Mom's nativity scene. I don't know, take it up with Jesus...
 
To back up - Kaelan is obsessed with Plants VS Zombies. He plays the game, draws pictures of them, makes them out of paper  with moving parts using little metal brads. He has a plastic box FILLED with zombies! (Beware, the zombiepocalypse may very well start here - after all, the box could spill.)
 
ANYWAY, the NATIVITY of madness! Kaelan has one of his paper zombies and is walking it around the livingroom... Then he's dancing it over the nativity.
 
"Is that a zombie in the nativity?"
 
"It's a dragon zombie," he explains.
 
Ahhh...that makes it a little more exciting!
 
Then he rearranges the nativity...
 
Kaelan adds a candle holder to the middle. VERY cozy! It now looks like a camp out and Joseph is on marshmallow duty.
 
 
Personally, I think the whole thing would have ended on a MUCH happier note if everyone had s'mores...
 

On the Good List...But

 
There is a very cool site called the Portable North Pole. You can go and create videos for your children from Santa.
 
It's very easy to do. The videos are personalized for each child. Name, age, grade, pictures, what they have been working on (LISTENING to Mom and Dad, etc.), and the dreaded how have they been this year?
 
 
My son's Dad created these super cool videos and Santa e-mailed them.
 
They were SO surprised (and a little concerned) that Santa had actually e-mailed them... I guess the Mom-is-going-to-e-mail-her-good-friend-Santa thing sank in, ha ha!
 
Kaelan is watching his video with wide-eyed wonder, nodding his head as Santa talks to him - he leans over to me...
 
"Santa says I have to try a little harder," whispers Kaelan.
 
"Are you going to try harder?" I ask.
 
"Yeah... But not too hard."
 
Omg...
 
"Just hard enough," he says. "But it makes me ridiculous."

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Santa doesn't Counterfeit - Death by Q-tip

Santa is NOT a Government Agent

 
Reece is my Chatty-Patty. He NEVER runs out of things to say. Personally, I think it's a miracle he doesn't get struck with Laryngitis.
 
Kaelan, on the other hand, is very straight forward. Talking is not my favourite game - so I'll tell you what I want to say and you'll LIKE IT!
 
Their Dad and I take the boys Christmas shopping and to see Santa. It was VERY exciting! We were so lucky, no big line up - whoo hoo!
 
"Who's going first?"
 
Oh, the PRESSURE! After the you, no-you! Kaelan gets up there with his reindeer antlers. He's all good-to-go!
 
"What do you want for Christmas?" asks Santa.
 
" Plants VS Zombies plushies." And he's ALL DONE, no dilly-dally. Mission accomplished!
 
Reece goes up to Santa, settles on his lap...and for the first time in his life - draws a big blank on what to say! AWWW!
 
"I'll have to think about it," he says.
 
Poor guy! We ask him about it after:
 
"I wanted a diamond, but I don't think Santa makes money. He has to work for the government to be able to do that."
 

Whoopin' it Up

 
So, I have been the Queen of Sick for two months. This is why I now deserve a title, and possibly a tasteful crown... Although I would not say no to a completely gaudy tiara. (Let it not be said that I am too picky!)
 
Friday I get a call from my Mom - who informs me she is still the boss of me. (Who knew? My kids were right!) She insists I go to her clinic (oh yeah - the boss-of-me gets ownership. At least there's no peeing involved there, lol). "You need a Whooping cough test."
 
"No, I don't." (Like that EVER works! But I'm desperate, and childish, and I have NO shame).
 
"Yes, you do. I told the doctor. He agrees, so come down right now."
 
"No I don't. (Yeah, cause I just received my imaginary doctorate.) I already had every possible test - and x-rays!" Personally I think once you've been irradiated, you should be fabulous... After all, you had to wear the "outfit".
 
"See you in five minutes."
 
And like THAT - she wins!!! I want that superpower... And a cape. And maybe some sparkles.
 
So I do as I'm told, because if she's the boss, maybe she can still spank. You never know - it wasn't illegal back then.
 
I go in, the gloating was minimal - but don't think I didn't see that glimmer in her eye. I'm told to lay down... Darn (and eek!) he's got some kinda tube and I'm CLUELESS.
 
"Are you ready?"
 
"That all depends on what you're going to do to me."
 
"I'm going to swab your nasal passage (EWWW), and I have to go all the way to your nasal cavity (WTF?!?!). So it's not going to be pleasant."
 
Please note: when a doctor says this - RUN like your ass is on FIRE.
 
Y'all - I had my brain roto-routered. Yuck and WTF!!! Tears are running down my face, I'm lying down and thinking "don't friggin' cough or you'll DIE!!! Death by giant Q-tip, how's that going to look in the paper?"
 
He's done, yells out the door (because privacy is no biggie in a small town) "She lived, but just barely!"
 
Holy shit.
 

Pickin' Your Brain

 
My brother, Dennis, likes to do magic tricks for the kids once in awhile.
"Can you pull my watch out of my ear?" Kaelan begs my brother - aka: Farmer Dumbledore.
 
Ever the entertainer, he "crams" the watch into my son's head - thrilling him to no end!
 
"Do you see his watch?" Dennis asks Reece.
 
"Yes, I do!" Reece exclaims.
 
"Where?"
 
"Waaay down in the middle..." Reece mutters as he's squished against Kaelan's skull, peering intently.
 
"Hey! Don't pull out my brain!" yells Kaelan.
 
Oh, the dangers of amateur magic...