Showing posts with label magic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label magic. Show all posts

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Pass the Peckers - On Second Thought...

Magically Delicious?

 
I was given THE coolest set of salt and pepper shakers for Christmas. MAGIC salt and pepper shakers! ...From my mother (this is what you'd call a critical plot point).
 
I use these all the time. I find it gives me that whole I'm-a-good-fairy vibe as I wave my magic wands over my son's yellow and whites (those would be "eggs" to y'all not in-the-know) each morning.
 
Oh yes, not only am I cool - I'm like HOGWARTS cool.
 
NOW, we'll fast forward to today (using my mega awesome time travel ability - 'cause I can do that) and my Mom has cooked us all a fabulous chili supper.
 
I'm tidying up the table after supper and I pick up my beautiful shakers...
 
"Man, I love my salt and peckers."
 
WHOA! I skid to a halt. WHAT just slipped out of my mouth?
 
Things NOT to say to your mother...EVER.
 
Damn.
 
 

Mr. Vain 

 
My sons and I are enjoying a nice drive to the city. We're headed down the highway in our SUV and enjoying some tunes.
 
"Aghhh!" screams Kaelan. "Oh NO!"
 
This sudden shrieking causes me to swerve, thinking there's actually a REAL problem. Somedays I am SO delusional...
 
"What's wrong?" I ask - having a serious adrenaline rush (I am SO not meant for NASCAR style driving).
 
"Just look," he says, all put-out and distraught, as he sticks out his elbow at me.
 
I glance at him, wondering what the hell? I DON'T SEE THE BLOOD GUSHING! (And it should be for trying to KILL ME.)
 
"I don't see anything, Kaelan."
 
"The spot! I can't be seen like this!"
 
Oh. My. God... The horror.

 

Sucka!

 
"My friend found a scorpion in his sucker," Reece announced after school.
 
Ewww. He sounds surprisingly happy about this, seeing as he is just as much a fan of the bugs as I am. Which is NOT AT ALL.
 
"No, really. And it was ALIVE!"
 
This announcement is made with all the vibrating excitement of a mad scientist.
 
"In the sucker," I ask flatly - because creepy crawlies are only exciting when you are fighting for your life.
 
"Yes."
 
"How did that happen?" (You KNOW you have to ask!)
 
"He got a sucker and there was a scorpion in it...but he didn't eat it."
 
"I'd hope not!"
 
Bug suckers do not sound tasty...crunchy, but not tasty.
 
But seriously, can you really leave a scorpion sucker conversation hanging like that? NO! Like a crack addict, I needed more. I had questions...unfortunately.
 
"How did he know it was still alive?"
 
"He saw it move!"
 
THIS is where the Mom in me went pfft! The girl in me went ewww! (And the badass in me went "fuck that, where's the Raid?")
 
"Really?"
 
"Really! And it GREW! It started off small and now it's way bigger! I saw it!"
 
"You...saw it grow?" I ask, and now I'm a little creeped out. Mutant scorpions growing exponentially...fuck a duck! (Well, I don't know if they do that - but they seem to have superpowers.)
 
"Well...no. But I saw the scorpion."
 
Whew!
 
"In the sucker."
 
"Yes."
 
"And you saw it ALIVE? You saw it move?"
 
"...Maybe I didn't SEE it move, but my friend did," he says - a little irked at my skepticism.
 
Hmmm, NOW who's the sucker?
 
 

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Santa doesn't Counterfeit - Death by Q-tip

Santa is NOT a Government Agent

 
Reece is my Chatty-Patty. He NEVER runs out of things to say. Personally, I think it's a miracle he doesn't get struck with Laryngitis.
 
Kaelan, on the other hand, is very straight forward. Talking is not my favourite game - so I'll tell you what I want to say and you'll LIKE IT!
 
Their Dad and I take the boys Christmas shopping and to see Santa. It was VERY exciting! We were so lucky, no big line up - whoo hoo!
 
"Who's going first?"
 
Oh, the PRESSURE! After the you, no-you! Kaelan gets up there with his reindeer antlers. He's all good-to-go!
 
"What do you want for Christmas?" asks Santa.
 
" Plants VS Zombies plushies." And he's ALL DONE, no dilly-dally. Mission accomplished!
 
Reece goes up to Santa, settles on his lap...and for the first time in his life - draws a big blank on what to say! AWWW!
 
"I'll have to think about it," he says.
 
Poor guy! We ask him about it after:
 
"I wanted a diamond, but I don't think Santa makes money. He has to work for the government to be able to do that."
 

Whoopin' it Up

 
So, I have been the Queen of Sick for two months. This is why I now deserve a title, and possibly a tasteful crown... Although I would not say no to a completely gaudy tiara. (Let it not be said that I am too picky!)
 
Friday I get a call from my Mom - who informs me she is still the boss of me. (Who knew? My kids were right!) She insists I go to her clinic (oh yeah - the boss-of-me gets ownership. At least there's no peeing involved there, lol). "You need a Whooping cough test."
 
"No, I don't." (Like that EVER works! But I'm desperate, and childish, and I have NO shame).
 
"Yes, you do. I told the doctor. He agrees, so come down right now."
 
"No I don't. (Yeah, cause I just received my imaginary doctorate.) I already had every possible test - and x-rays!" Personally I think once you've been irradiated, you should be fabulous... After all, you had to wear the "outfit".
 
"See you in five minutes."
 
And like THAT - she wins!!! I want that superpower... And a cape. And maybe some sparkles.
 
So I do as I'm told, because if she's the boss, maybe she can still spank. You never know - it wasn't illegal back then.
 
I go in, the gloating was minimal - but don't think I didn't see that glimmer in her eye. I'm told to lay down... Darn (and eek!) he's got some kinda tube and I'm CLUELESS.
 
"Are you ready?"
 
"That all depends on what you're going to do to me."
 
"I'm going to swab your nasal passage (EWWW), and I have to go all the way to your nasal cavity (WTF?!?!). So it's not going to be pleasant."
 
Please note: when a doctor says this - RUN like your ass is on FIRE.
 
Y'all - I had my brain roto-routered. Yuck and WTF!!! Tears are running down my face, I'm lying down and thinking "don't friggin' cough or you'll DIE!!! Death by giant Q-tip, how's that going to look in the paper?"
 
He's done, yells out the door (because privacy is no biggie in a small town) "She lived, but just barely!"
 
Holy shit.
 

Pickin' Your Brain

 
My brother, Dennis, likes to do magic tricks for the kids once in awhile.
"Can you pull my watch out of my ear?" Kaelan begs my brother - aka: Farmer Dumbledore.
 
Ever the entertainer, he "crams" the watch into my son's head - thrilling him to no end!
 
"Do you see his watch?" Dennis asks Reece.
 
"Yes, I do!" Reece exclaims.
 
"Where?"
 
"Waaay down in the middle..." Reece mutters as he's squished against Kaelan's skull, peering intently.
 
"Hey! Don't pull out my brain!" yells Kaelan.
 
Oh, the dangers of amateur magic...