Showing posts with label swearing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label swearing. Show all posts

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Pass the Peckers - On Second Thought...

Magically Delicious?

I was given THE coolest set of salt and pepper shakers for Christmas. MAGIC salt and pepper shakers! ...From my mother (this is what you'd call a critical plot point).
I use these all the time. I find it gives me that whole I'm-a-good-fairy vibe as I wave my magic wands over my son's yellow and whites (those would be "eggs" to y'all not in-the-know) each morning.
Oh yes, not only am I cool - I'm like HOGWARTS cool.
NOW, we'll fast forward to today (using my mega awesome time travel ability - 'cause I can do that) and my Mom has cooked us all a fabulous chili supper.
I'm tidying up the table after supper and I pick up my beautiful shakers...
"Man, I love my salt and peckers."
WHOA! I skid to a halt. WHAT just slipped out of my mouth?
Things NOT to say to your mother...EVER.

Mr. Vain 

My sons and I are enjoying a nice drive to the city. We're headed down the highway in our SUV and enjoying some tunes.
"Aghhh!" screams Kaelan. "Oh NO!"
This sudden shrieking causes me to swerve, thinking there's actually a REAL problem. Somedays I am SO delusional...
"What's wrong?" I ask - having a serious adrenaline rush (I am SO not meant for NASCAR style driving).
"Just look," he says, all put-out and distraught, as he sticks out his elbow at me.
I glance at him, wondering what the hell? I DON'T SEE THE BLOOD GUSHING! (And it should be for trying to KILL ME.)
"I don't see anything, Kaelan."
"The spot! I can't be seen like this!"
Oh. My. God... The horror.



"My friend found a scorpion in his sucker," Reece announced after school.
Ewww. He sounds surprisingly happy about this, seeing as he is just as much a fan of the bugs as I am. Which is NOT AT ALL.
"No, really. And it was ALIVE!"
This announcement is made with all the vibrating excitement of a mad scientist.
"In the sucker," I ask flatly - because creepy crawlies are only exciting when you are fighting for your life.
"How did that happen?" (You KNOW you have to ask!)
"He got a sucker and there was a scorpion in it...but he didn't eat it."
"I'd hope not!"
Bug suckers do not sound tasty...crunchy, but not tasty.
But seriously, can you really leave a scorpion sucker conversation hanging like that? NO! Like a crack addict, I needed more. I had questions...unfortunately.
"How did he know it was still alive?"
"He saw it move!"
THIS is where the Mom in me went pfft! The girl in me went ewww! (And the badass in me went "fuck that, where's the Raid?")
"Really! And it GREW! It started off small and now it's way bigger! I saw it!"
"You...saw it grow?" I ask, and now I'm a little creeped out. Mutant scorpions growing exponentially...fuck a duck! (Well, I don't know if they do that - but they seem to have superpowers.)
" But I saw the scorpion."
"In the sucker."
"And you saw it ALIVE? You saw it move?"
"...Maybe I didn't SEE it move, but my friend did," he says - a little irked at my skepticism.
Hmmm, NOW who's the sucker?

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Bein' Saucy...Oh, She's got Issues

I've got Hair Issues

Kaelan and I are enjoying the SWEETEST snuggles on the couch. I'M all - awwwww...
"You need a haircut," Kaelan tells me.
Okaaayyy...SOMEBODY is not feeling the love nearly as much as I.
"Excuse me?"
"Your hair is poking my eyelashes," he informs me.
"Alright. Maybe Mommy will go get short hair."
"No! I like eating things out of your hair!"
Let me clarify: Many children on the Autism Spectrum have sensory processing issues. They are hypersensitive to some things (light, sound, smell, touch) or hyposensitive to others. These things ebb and flow due to stress and health issues. How to cope with a nerve-wracking, noisy, bright unpredictable world? Stimming!
Everybody stims. Finger tapping, pencil chewing, hair twirling. Repetitive, comforting motions. You get the idea.
THIS is what he was trying to get across - one comfort is trying to mouth hair. (SO - for the record, I don't have creepy crawlies or Cheetos in my "do".)
"You can eat things out of my hair," he generously offers.
"...Sweet, but no thanks."

The Christmas Countdown

My biggest boy was being a seƱor cranky pants this morning. I tell him 'tis the season to be JOLLY (dammit!).
"Christmas is coming," I remind him.
"18 days." He's got the countdown thing down pat.
"You have to be good not JUST on the last day. You know, people are Christmas shopping for your presents beforehand."
"But...peoples only have two hands."
I could only nod and walk away at that.

Oh Rosetta, that Saucy Sailor Talk...

Reece was filling me in on his linguistic ability on the way to school this morning.
"I can speak Vampire," he informs me proudly.
"Oh my!" I had NO idea he'd been hanging with the undead crowd.
"I can also speak Scottish."
This was a bit of a surprise as well. I don't remember Gaelic being on the menu in his school.
"Do you want to hear?"
"Absolutely!" If you think I was going to miss this, you're crazier than I am.
"Aye laddie. Come here! Let's pin a tail on ya!"
Wow! I almost peed.
I can just see my ancestors, three sheets to the wind - playing pin the tail on the Laird!
"I can speak Japanese, too. But it sounds like bad words... You know...s-h-i-t-e and that one with the middle finger. It's a pretty angry language."
Rosetta Stone, rated M for mature.